[Kavinsky closes his eyes as Ronan rests his hand on his shoulder, leans into the contact in a way that's more obvious than what he would have allowed himself before. But the lines were a mess now, where they stood, what Kavinsky could get away with-- Ronan had already rejected him, it wasn't like he had much left to lose.
He doesn't say anything.
K just lets the silence linger, lets Ronan come up with what he wants to ask, what he needs to know. He's already bled for him once, he can't quite bring himself to tear his heart open without at least knowing that Ronan needs to know. It used to be that silence between them was the easy part. It was when they filled it with words that things were strained, but now it seems reversed.]
Yeah.
[He isn't going to lie about it, he doesn't try to sweeten it or try to make it easier to swallow. And for a moment, there's that same flicker across his face that there had been back in the dream field- hurt. But this time he can't quite choke it down, and it stays in his eyes as he tries to articulate it.]
I helped you because I thought it would mean something to you. I thought- I thought that I would mean something to you, that you cared. And you just left me standing there with my dick in my hand, and then you wouldn't even text me back. It felt like you used me.
[He shakes his head, blinking slowly as he tries to casually drag his hand across his eyes. Like Ronan might not notice that he's still wrecked. Talking about it still hurts, and his lashes are damp when he looks at Ronan, meeting his eyes, raw and hurt. But he's not angry, he doesn't say it like he's trying to hurt him so much as just explain so he understands what it meant to him.
He wishes he could be; anger would be easier.]
It's not your fault, though. I'm a fucking mess, Lynch. And I guess the drugs weren't the best way to cope. You were just.. it felt like without you I couldn't breathe. And I couldn't handle it.
[He doesn't quite say it, even if he knows he should. What the fuck does he have to lose now? But he can't do it. He can't give him his heart just to make a point, if it's just fucking academic. He can't tell him just so that Ronan understands, if it's not because it means something.]
no subject
He doesn't say anything.
K just lets the silence linger, lets Ronan come up with what he wants to ask, what he needs to know. He's already bled for him once, he can't quite bring himself to tear his heart open without at least knowing that Ronan needs to know. It used to be that silence between them was the easy part. It was when they filled it with words that things were strained, but now it seems reversed.]
Yeah.
[He isn't going to lie about it, he doesn't try to sweeten it or try to make it easier to swallow. And for a moment, there's that same flicker across his face that there had been back in the dream field- hurt. But this time he can't quite choke it down, and it stays in his eyes as he tries to articulate it.]
I helped you because I thought it would mean something to you. I thought- I thought that I would mean something to you, that you cared. And you just left me standing there with my dick in my hand, and then you wouldn't even text me back. It felt like you used me.
[He shakes his head, blinking slowly as he tries to casually drag his hand across his eyes. Like Ronan might not notice that he's still wrecked. Talking about it still hurts, and his lashes are damp when he looks at Ronan, meeting his eyes, raw and hurt. But he's not angry, he doesn't say it like he's trying to hurt him so much as just explain so he understands what it meant to him.
He wishes he could be; anger would be easier.]
It's not your fault, though. I'm a fucking mess, Lynch. And I guess the drugs weren't the best way to cope. You were just.. it felt like without you I couldn't breathe. And I couldn't handle it.
[He doesn't quite say it, even if he knows he should. What the fuck does he have to lose now? But he can't do it. He can't give him his heart just to make a point, if it's just fucking academic. He can't tell him just so that Ronan understands, if it's not because it means something.]